The Philosophers Song
(Sung to the tune of The Philosophers Song)

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
        who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
        who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teacha
        'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
        On a half a pint of schandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
        Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
        And Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
        ``I drink, therefore I am.''
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed,
        A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.